I tried to bribe Boris Johnson
COP26 may have failed, but it turns out the tories are for sale.
So I decided we should bribe them.
“But isn’t bribery illegal?”
In fact, it’s a trade secret of the fossil fuel industry.
One we could use to stop the approval of two new fossil fuel projects.
An oilfield called Cambo, and the Cumbria coal mine.
Of course, we’d need lots of cash.
Boris spent £840 per roll of wallpaper on his flat refurbishment.
So I imagined asking him not to burn our futures would be even pricier.
But if we all chipped in five, we could stay alive.
Not everyone coughed up. They thought it “wasn’t serious”.
But we got a good stack of cash together.
More money than I ever earned working as a waiter in a noodle bar (a period on my CV that lasted two half shifts, before I was promptly fired for my lacklustre attention to the bathroom cleaning rota).
A few weeks later, Cambo was paused.
Had Boris really done his part? I was yet to hand over the money.
So I implemented another fossil fuel baron strategy, called ‘back stabbing’.
Rather than give the money to Boris.
I declared it would all go to Greenpeace.
And with my work complete, I moved on to a new scheme.
Putting the Green New Deal on a Black Friday deals site.
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